“Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those that hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.”—Richard Nixon, farewell speech to staff, 1974

Richard Nixon uttered these words in a drunken, tear-stained stupor as he bid farewell to his White House staff shortly after his filthy corruption became too public to ignore and he was forced to resign the office of president. He left in a cloud of shame and lies forever to be known as “Tricky Dick,” the man who would have been king.

But, Nixon’s legacy was far reaching and harmed America long after he slunk back to whatever rock he came from in 1974. Remember, both Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney hatched their foul careers in the Nixon White House. Can we expect the same thing four, eight, twelve or more years down the road from the Bush Mistake? Is some ambitious staffer from the Bush Junta going to suddenly rise from the filth and cause world-wide horror like Cheney did? Perhaps we should take Kurtz’s advice and simply “exterminate the brutes…”
Well, that would certainly make things easier, but we don’t live that way, right? This is America, a democracy, and dim-witted at that. Americans are slow-minded at best and certainly have no idea about their history. Otherwise, would America have elected that dumb ass Texan and his hoard of leftover Nixonites twice? Well, maybe once, since the first one doesn’t really count anyway.

I’m getting lost in a whiskey jungle now. I feel like the first time I saw a real pair of living tits and could do something about it. I have been waiting, as millions like me have, for the end of the Bush Nightmare for at least the past eight years, like a blind virgin at a Roman orgy, lost and confused, but wanting to be able to make the right moves. God, it feels like eighty years, or eight hundred. Can we ever lift our collective head out of this comically bad era? Is this the end of the American Century?

Maybe, but at least a move was made in the right direction with the election of Barack Obama. Let’s get this straight right now: only a monumentally failed presidency such as George W. Bush’s could lead to the election of even a partially African-American president in such a horribly racist culture as America’s. Do not fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Yet, this is an opportunity unlike any other in the history of this country. Obama represents many of the potentially great things that can come out of a diverse democratic society. It’s not so much that he is mixed-race, it’s that he represents the opposite of everything that the white, conservative, Christian, rich, greedy, animal, scum-eating monsters such as Bush etc, represent. Or, at least, he seems to.

I do not delude myself into believing that Obama is as liberal as he should be—or appears to be—nor that he will not make mistakes. No one else should delude themselves either. Obama is as skillful a politician as this country has seen in 100 years and therefore will be prone to many quizzical actions. But, Obama seems to be far smarter than Bush or his Junta ever could hope to be and his very difference makes him unique. My worry is not so much that he is terribly corrupt or a blatant liar, but that the immense gravity of the situation is too much for anyone to handle. Barack Obama comes into office with more things wrong in this country and world than any president since Abraham Lincoln. And that includes FDR, the saint I pray to almost every night when the New York Times is too much and the scotch not enough.

The economy is ruined, the “war on terror” cannot be won, the rest of the world looks at us with a mixture of hatred, fear, and pity, and, by the way, the environment is nearing its breaking point. All of this—plus bigotry, racism, and hatred—await Barack Obama. I wish him all the luck in the universe and offer him whatever help I, a trained political assassin, and The Firebrand can offer.

And to George W. Bush: don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, you godforsaken idiot. May you and those like you rot forever in the “Failed” file.